recreatingreality.com

It’s time to clear the decks!  Many of us are ready — really, really, really ready — to set some goals.  However, before getting started with the 7 Steps to Goal Setting, we need to clear the decks.

So, let’s tackle the issue.  We have all learned by now that in order to accomplish anything we must have the courage to face the truth — our truth, regardless of what that may be.  We have all learned that excuses only satisfy those who make them.  And, we all know that the only reason we continue to fall short of our potential goals is that we do not know how to accomplish them or we really do not want to.

With that in mind, we each live in the moment.  We breathe in each moment.  We see and collect information in the moment.  But, oh my!  Too many of us mentally live in the past or worry about the future.  As I have taught many times, worry is the biggest waste of time in the world.  I personally believe it is worse than procrastination, if for no other reason than that worry all too often leads to procrastination.  If you are still worrying about one thing or another, please review Worry and WITCH Hunts.

While worry is about the future, nagging memories from the past can be more paralyzing.  I grew up in an area — and a family — that at times could have been called Dysfunction Junction.  I loved my father and mother, but during a period of marital separation, as an only child life was less than perfect.  In fact, life sucked.  I won’t go into details but I was abused by another family member.  I was lonely.  And, I packed lots and lots of baggage that I carried with me into my first marriage and my second.  In fact, I had so much baggage that I toted with me into every situation and relationship that I effectively destroyed and sabotaged what should have been some of the best times in my life.  Yes, I was a mess for quite a few years.

What changed?  One day I guess I had an epiphany — one of those light bulb moments.  Thank goodness it came when I was thirty!  Since that time I have had thirty great years.  And, yes, I am sixty now.

It would be really nice to say that I came to this understanding of life on my own.  I didn’t.  I was working with one of my greatest mentors who shared with me the exact same lessons I am sharing with you.  I did not realize how therapeutic my work was — as much for me as for those I was working with — until I felt the internal change.

So, let me share a little reality.  First of all, there is absolutely nothing you or I can do to change what happened when we were kids, or when we were in high school or college, or ten years ago or five years ago and last year or last week or yesterday or five minutes ago.  Those years and those experiences are in the past.  And, even with the best of quantum theories, we have not learned how to go back in time.  So, we cannot “fix” the past.  It happened and it is over.

Well, it is over unless you keep it alive in your memory.  If you choose to keep what happened yesterday or ten years ago alive in your memory, you relive it everyday.  It is like having a ball and chain around your ankle holding you back.  It is like carrying ten suitcases filled with bad experiences and guilt on a day trip to Disneyland.  So, now is the time to let go.  Clear the decks.  Clear your mind.  Unpack the suitcases and throw out the past.

Easier said than done?  Not really.  We love to cling to those negatives for one reason or another.  Being a victim is a great excuse for just about anything that can go wrong in life.  Believe it or not, being a victim of someone or something is an excuse.  And remember, excuses only satisfy those who make them.  It is hard reality.

Let me give you an example.  I have a friend who had a rather miserable childhood to hear her tell it.  I cannot dispute her account because I was not there.  Her parents divorced.  Her mother moved her from the comfort of her school and her school friends.  As a child she was slightly overweight, so when she went to a new school some of the kids made fun of her.  She ate more and more.  Food — the world’s greatest comfort!

This friend went off to college, studied law, got her law degree, and never practiced law.  Why?  Because her mother had drilled it into her head that she should become a lawyer.  Her mother expected her to become a professional.  Her mother had fed her the idea that an attorney had screwed them over during the divorce.  That was the reason the girl’s father lived well and the mother and daughter lived far closer to the poverty level — all that according to the mom.  Anyway, the girl did not want to be a lawyer.  But, to please her mom she went to law school.  She got the law degree to fulfill her mother’s expectations.  But, once out from under her mother’s roof, she decided to live her own life and do what she wanted to do.  Unfortunately, this young lady never took the time to figure out what she wanted to do in life.  So, today she carries all the baggage with her, still blaming her parents for where she is today.

The honest truth is that this young lady knows that her parents are not to blame for her life at this point in time, but rather than accept responsibility for herself, it is easier to blame it on the past.  We all do this from time to time.  We all go on those mental trips when we feel down or defeated.  But, most of us have learned to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and start again.

So — if you are blaming your present on your past or if you are spending your time worrying about things that have not yet happened, and may never happen, you are wasting your life.  Now is the time to have the courage to face the truth.  The what happened in the past and worrying about the future are excuses for doing nothing now.

I only ask that if this applies to you, take some time to think about this.  Do your best to clear the decks.  Let go of the past.  You cannot change it now or in the future.  If you are worried about what could happen in the future you are wasting your time and effort.  And, if you are trying to live up to someone’s expectations other than your own, you have given that person permission to use up your 24 hours each and everyday.  You have given your life away.

Clear the decks!  And, perhaps learn this little Gestalt prayer from Frederick Perls:

I do my thing and you do yours.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
and you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other,
Then it is beautiful.
If not, it can’t be helped.